SILVER SISTERS MYSTERIES

Twins with a Nose for Trouble

   

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Sterling and Flossie Silver

OLDSTERS WITH "OOMPH"

Confession of

Elderly Magicians

Beverly Hills Blabbermouth...

The Silver Sisters'mother Flossie and uncle Sterling Silver confessed today that they snooped around Food Broadcasting disguised as old janitors to help the girls track a killer.

What will these oldsters be up to next?

DISHING THE DIRT...  FLOSSIE TELLS ALL

You were married to one of the great Harry’s of magic and worked in his act before his untimely death several years ago.  Are you and his brother Sterling magicians, too?

Oy, my Harry! (He should rest in peace.) What a showman he was! That man could turn an elephant into an eggplant, you never saw such sleight of hand. Sterling was his foil, and I was his glamorous assistant. Of course you wouldn’t know it now, but I was quite a looker in my day. Are me and Sterling magicians? Well, we can pull a few rabbits out of a hat, but we’re just two bit next to Harry. Tell you the truth, the dog, Waldo, he really makes the act.    

 

What do you enjoy the most at this stage in your life?

 

I get a lot of pleasure (and aggravation, too) from my beautiful daughters, and my grandchildren. They’re in show business, you know. I also get a kick out of helping my girls when they get in a pickle. Sometimes I dress up in costumes and sneak around looking for clues.

I understand that you and Sterling entertain at the Hollywood Home for Has Beens every week.  What can you tell me about that?  

There’s not much to tell, every Thursday we go over and entertain the old folks. We take Waldo the Wonder Dog, he’s a big hit. And some of our old pals from vaudeville stop by and round out the show. Like Billy Whistle, he’s about four feet tall, plays the harmonica, and then there’s Miss Wiggles, she’s a contortionist, only these days she doesn’t bend in so many places, and the Contessa, even when she was young her singing wasn’t so hot. Tell you the truth, I’d rather be on stage entertaining than be forced to sit in the audience.       

When I look at Goldie and Godiva, I think of silver-haired Mae West bookends.  How were they as kids? 

When they were kids, they used to fight like cats and dogs, so it’s nice to see them playing together now.

Does solving mysteries run in the family?  From what I've heard, you and Sterling get into some pretty sticky situations yourselves. 

My Harry used to say that it runs in the family. A keen sense of the obvious, he called it. The first time we solved a crime it was kind of a family affair.

The next door neighbor, oy, she had such a head of red hair, she clobbered her husband with a frozen turkey, then she put it in the oven and went shopping for a new dress. The police went looking for the killer and she brought over the turkey for us, said she was so upset she couldn’t eat. We figured it all out while we’re sitting there gobbling down the murder weapon. Do they ask for my help now? Are you kidding? They treat me like some useless alter cocker who ought to be sitting in a rocking chair. When I grab Sterling and we sneak out and help them, they don’t even thank us. Is that the way to treat a mother?  

Are your daughter's personalities as identical as their looks? 

It’s like they come from two different planets, those girls. Maybe aliens kidnapped me. All their lives, if one says “black”, the other says “white”. 

What do you think about Godiva's advice column? 

For centuries people have been looking up to the heavens and asking God for advice. What does my daughter do? She gives them an address! The mailman is getting a hernia shlepping all those letters to G.O.D.

You said Goldie shares your interest in astrology.  How does that influence her life or yurs and has she ever thought about writing an astrology column? 

You’d be surprised what you can learn from the stars. My Goldie, she doesn’t make a move if the signs aren’t good, but she’s not a writer, no columns for her. You know, lots of people make fun of the spiritual world, but when my Clairvoyant Canasta Club used to hold séances, we really did communicate with the spirits. My dear Harry (he should rest in peace) came to me and told me take a chance and change my life. The next day I sold my house and moved into my daughter’s guest cottage. You see, all the signs were right, the planets were in alignment, so it worked out.

You and Sterling live with Godiva on this magnificent estate.  How did she make so much money?  

It wasn’t Godiva, it was that big blowhard, Max that she married. What a loudmouth. And he took so many risks! Who would think you could make money by selling “pet rocks” and records with dogs barking out “Silent Night”? Everything that jerk touched turned to gold. Give him a pile of shit and he would grow roses. He even died lucky. He goes to Vegas, puts a dollar on the Wheel of Fortune and wins 5 million. He’s so excited he has a heart attack and dies right on the spot, humph! I should be so lucky!  

How did your other daughter wind up in Alaska.  Does she have that pioneer spirit?  

What kind of pioneer? She doesn’t have an aggressive bone in her body. She was  a hippie, went up there to join some kind of commune. They grew giant cabbages and dug for clams in some God forsaken place called China Poot Bay. They didn’t even have flush toilets. Such mishagas! When she came to her senses she didn’t want to come home so she moved to Juneau and started an antique shop. Bears get in her garbage cans all the time, but at least they have sewers and running water there. 

Recently a chef was killed during the Greatest Gourmet Gladiators Tournament and your daughters found the real killer.  Did you help them?  

You bet we helped them, but they won't admit it.

Were you ever scared during the investigation?   

 There was one time, in that shtunk Wellington’s office, when I was so frightened I almost peed my pants. But, then at my age, something like that can happen if you just sneeze.   

 I'll bet you have a million great stories.  Can you share a short one with us?

Have you got a couple of hours? No? You’re in a hurry? Well OK, I’m wracking my brain now...oh, here’s a good one...we had a friend, Jack something, we called him “One-Eyed Jack.” He would come over to the house, he loved my girls, loved to make them laugh. He’d take out his glass eye and roll it around on the kitchen table. “Here’s lookin’ at you, kids!” he’d say. Godiva would run away laughing but Goldie, now she would examine the eye, get her magnifying glass, ask how it was made. I thought she might turn out to be an eye doctor, now I realize it was just another antique to her.

This garden is beautiful and you should take time to smell the roses. Do you think you and Sterling will ever slow down? 

Oy vey! You start to smell the roses and the next thing you know you’re pushing up farstunkener daisies! Now let me ask you, young lady, what is a normal family? That old “Father Knows Best” TV show? Calling that normal is mishagas.  To me normal was a friend like Harpo Marx honking his horn in our kitchen for more coffee, or Harry Houdini figuring out his next big escape in our living room.  The girls loved them.  I might be old, but I still got a good head on my shoulders.  Normal is what feels right to you.   Speaking of normal, you look a little thin to me.  Let me get you a nice bowl of my chicken soup. 

Would you say that your family is a normal family?  It seems like you are a bit out of the ordinary.

Now let me ask you, young lady, what is a normal family? That old “Father Knows Best” TV show? Calling that normal is mishagas.  To me normal was a friend like Harpo Marx honking his horn in our kitchen for more coffee, or Harry Houdini figuring out his next big escape in our living room.  The girls loved them.  I might be old, but I still got a good head on my shoulders.  Normal is what feels right to you.   Speaking of normal, you look a little thin to me.  Let me get you a nice bowl of my chicken soup. 

SILVER SISTERS MYSTERIES

A must if you love a funny mystery

Coming soon:  SEVEN DEADLY SAMOVARS